How do you handle a partner who intentionally acts incompetent to avoid tasks?
‘Weaponized incompetence’, also known as strategic incompetence, is when someone feigns incompetence on purpose to avoid certain responsibilities or tasks.
In relationships, some individuals, usually men, use this strategy to avoid chores, housework, or parenting tasks. By pretending to be incompetent, they manipulate their partner into taking on these tasks, resulting in an unfair division of domestic labor.
Many people who experience this situation often seek therapy because they feel that the division of household chores is unequal. They might say:
- “I want to ask my partner for more help around the house, but I always end up having to explain how to do it or just doing it myself.”
- “Even when my partner does help out with housework, I usually have to supervise them. If I don’t, I’ll probably have to redo their work.”
- “I feel like my partner is lying about their ability to do basic housework, but I’m not sure what to do.”
A study found that since Covid-19 and the rise of remote work, the boundary between work and housework has become increasingly blurred. Women often end up shouldering a heavier burden of domestic work due to partners using weaponized incompetence.
For example, a woman may feel overwhelmed with housework and ask her partner to prepare dinner. Using strategic incompetence, the partner might say, “Remember how I messed up last week’s dinner? It’d be better if you just did it.” This leaves her with an extra task on top of her existing responsibilities.
While weaponized incompetence may seem like a harmless way to avoid responsibility temporarily, it can have significant negative effects on your relationship in the long run. Here are two of its detrimental effects.
1. Strategic Incompetence Can Lead To a Stagnant Intimate Life
A study published in the 2022 edition of the Archives of Sexual Behavior revealed that women with male partners who do not contribute equally to household chores express lower sexual desire for their partners.
Being with a partner who pretends to be incompetent in order to avoid housework can make one feel more like a parent than a partner in the relationship.
When a relationship is based on one person fulfilling the other’s needs, conversations about wants, desires, and fantasies are often neglected. It’s not hard to understand why someone might not feel attracted to a partner who constantly relies on their care.
Therefore, a relationship’s intimacy often suffers as a result of weaponized incompetence.
2. Weaponized Incompetence Creates Routine in Your Relationship
Male partners may use weaponized incompetence to avoid engaging in tasks typically considered feminine, such as cooking, cleaning, shopping, or childcare. Similarly, female partners may do the same to avoid stereotypically masculine tasks, such as repairs, heavy lifting, shoveling, or painting.
A 2016 study revealed that disproportionate divisions of domestic labor can cause stress, worry, or feelings of inadequacy in partners. By using strategic incompetence to shift gendered housework responsibilities to your partner, you may be causing them unnecessary stress, disappointment, or exhaustion.
Sticking to traditional gender roles can also harm your relationship in other ways. For instance, it can hinder personal growth and reinforce stereotypes for your children.
Additionally, performing the same tasks repeatedly can erode the excitement and experimentation that is vital for a healthy relationship. While fulfilling your expected roles is important, learning new skills or teaching your partner something new can add an extra layer of fulfillment to your relationship.
How to Deal with a Partner’s Feigned Incompetence?
If your partner consistently avoids tasks they claim to be incapable of, here are some tips for initiating a constructive conversation about the division of domestic labor:
- Be specific. Provide your partner with clear examples of how their feigned incompetence has affected you or your relationship, and explain the emotions it has elicited. These examples will help your partner understand the negative impact of their behavior.
- Avoid blame and accusations. Instead of passing judgment, resorting to passive-aggressive behavior, or criticizing your partner’s character, focus on their behavior. Accusing your partner may only escalate their use of weaponized incompetence.
- Establish boundaries. Once you have expressed how your partner’s feigned incompetence is causing strain, discuss and set boundaries and expectations for sharing household responsibilities.
- Be consistent. Once you both agree on these boundaries and expectations, clearly explain the consequences of persisting with feigned incompetence. Do not give in to the desire to please your partner at the expense of avoiding stress or confrontation. Stay consistent in enforcing the agreed-upon boundaries and consequences of unequal distributions of labor.
Conclusion
Establishing boundaries and engaging in open communication about the division of domestic labor are crucial for maintaining a healthy and functional relationship. If you find it challenging to address these issues on your own, reaching out to a couples’ therapist or counselor can help guide you and your partner towards a better dynamic.
