Does your relationship look a lot like Barbie and Ken’s? Here’s what that could mean for your…
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In the cinematic world of Barbie, Ken would do anything for Barbie, and his life revolves around securing her time and attention. The Kens are just Kens, and the Barbies are “everything,” a thought-provoking satire of our reality where these gender roles have been reversed for centuries.
There is some deeper wisdom to be found in Barbie and Ken’s dynamic. Being a “Ken” can have the positive connotation of being a supportive and uplifting partner, someone that is not threatened by their partner’s success and can step back when it is the other’s time to shine.
However, if you are always “just Ken,” or exclusively playing the role of the giver in your relationship, irrespective of your gender identity, it can lead to deep-seated anger, resentment, and even an existential crisis regarding your sense of self. Relationships in the real world tend to struggle under the weight of extensive self-sacrifice by either partner.
Here are three reasons why you play the role of the giver a little too often, and how you can create a more balanced and loving connection.
1. You Are In A Power Struggle With Your Partner.
Who holds the power in your relationship is a question that can make or break your bond. A 2015 study found that the greater power you hold in a relationship, the less likely you are to make sacrifices for your partner. Thus, an imbalanced power dynamic can create the roles of a perpetual giver on one hand and a partner who rarely reciprocates on the other.
This can happen in multiple ways. Notice, for example, how differences in gender, age, level of education, occupation, and financial status affect your relationship. When one partner holds less power in any of these areas, they could be making a lot more sacrifices because they may feel inadequate compared to their partner, prompting them to do more to prove themselves.
To correct this imbalance, it is important to analyze its origins. You can then openly address it in your relationship to find new ways to operate more fairly or use this knowledge to create a more equal partnership in the future.
It is also essential to develop your personal sense of power because it enables you to seek out partnerships where both partners are willing to give and receive equally.
2. You Have Lower Self-Control Than Your Partner.
Research has found that individuals with low self-control are more willing to make sacrifices in relationships than those with high self-control.
A 2016 study further discovered that having greater self-control allows you to strike a balance between your needs and your partner’s needs, ensuring that you are not always just giving at your own expense. This balance leads to greater personal and relational well-being.
A good starting point to build more self-control is to reflect on the following questions about why you feel the need to over-give:
- Is this something that you learned to do because of your childhood or other life experiences? Does it still serve you as an adult?
- What do you gain from constantly being a giver, and what do you lose?
- How does continuously giving impact you and your relationship?
Learning that it is okay to receive and setting boundaries around giving can help you exercise self-control. It may also be helpful to pause and reflect on your intentions before making a sacrifice.
3. You Want To Avoid Conflict With Your Partner.
A 2012 study shows that “willingness to sacrifice” and “accommodation” are pro-relationship behaviors. Accommodation refers to making compromises, being flexible, and adapting to changing circumstances in relationships. However, the motivation behind these acts determines their true impact.
The study found that when the motivation is to avoid pain, conflict, or undesirable outcomes, it leads to more sacrificial behavior. On the other hand, accommodation that stems from seeking positive relationship outcomes, such as greater intimacy and closeness, fosters a healthier connection.
Moreover, only approach-motivated reasons lead to greater personal well-being and relationship quality, while avoidance-motivated behaviors prove to be detrimental to a relationship.
One example of the benefits of an approach-motivation can be found in individuals who are highly motivated to respond to a romantic partner’s needs. They tend to experience positive emotions while making a sacrifice when it comes from an authentic, willing place.
However, anyone who gives too much will inevitably burn out. It is natural to experience negative emotions due to personal costs incurred after a sacrifice, and it is best not to hide them. Research shows that concealing these emotions from your partner leads to poorer relationship quality.
Thus, when it comes to giving in your relationship, being honest with yourself and your partner is the way to go. Instead of avoiding conflict or unpleasantness, you can learn to approach with curiosity and acknowledge what each partner needs, allowing the relationship to grow in a positive direction.
Conclusion
To create healthier relationships, embrace the fluidity of roles you can play and take turns being both Barbie and Ken. If you find yourself always cast as Ken, it may be necessary to address the power dynamic in your relationship, cultivate self-control, and engage with conflicts sincerely.
