Keeping a secret can be an emotional roller coaster that you go through alone.
Many individuals find themselves torn between keeping a secret and revealing it when seeking therapy. This internal conflict often leads them to express things like:
- “I recently discovered that my friend’s ex was cheating on her throughout their relationship, and he never told her. I feel awful. Should I say something?”
- “I haven’t told my girlfriend about my debt. I’m struggling to pay for our dates, but I don’t know how to tell her.”
- “I haven’t told my partner that I was passed over for a promotion at work. We were both excited about it, and now I feel like a failure.”
While keeping secrets is a natural part of being human, it can often have a significant impact on one’s mental well-being. A recent study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin identified four crucial factors that determine the weight of a secret and the toll it takes on an individual. These factors are:
- The daily personal impact
- The impact on relationships
- The pressure to reveal
- The anticipated consequences
The study suggests that it is not just the number of secrets one keeps that matters; it is the nature of the secret and the extent to which it preoccupies one’s thoughts that determine its impact on one’s health. This distinction helps discern whether a secret is harmless or whether it needs to be shared.
Here are four signs, based on the study, that indicate if a secret is becoming too burdensome for you.
1. The Secret Is Consuming You
One of the primary factors contributing to the weight of a secret is its daily impact on your life. Those who harbor secrets often find themselves trapped in a cycle of rumination. This mental preoccupation leads to stress, anxiety, guilt, loneliness, and even isolation.
Furthermore, the effort required to maintain the facade can be exhausting. It involves constant vigilance over what you say, as well as emotional and cognitive resources.
A 2017 study discovered that people think about their secrets far more frequently than they find themselves in social situations where they must keep them hidden. However, this rumination alone predicted lower levels of well-being. Research shows that secrets are particularly detrimental to mental health when they are difficult to conceal and lead to increased rumination and negative emotions.
A secret also necessitates significant adjustments to your daily life, such as avoiding certain social situations or regularly lying to others to protect it. These actions can create a sense of inauthenticity, making you feel disconnected from your true self.
Therefore, when deciding whether to reveal a secret, it is essential to consider the following:
- How has keeping this secret affected you, and does it occupy your thoughts daily?
- Could confessing this secret bring relief and reduce constant rumination?
2. The Secret Is Affecting Your Relationships
The way you feel about keeping a secret can impact your relationships and your behavior towards others. Especially when you try to hide your flaws, past mistakes, and perceived inadequacies from them, it can lower your self-esteem and create a discrepancy between how you see yourself and how others see you.
The inauthenticity that arises from this gap can cause you to perceive greater emotional distance, lower levels of trust, and a lack of commitment and satisfaction in your relationships. You may find yourself torn between the desire to be authentic and the fear of the consequences of disclosing your secret.
A 2023 study found that individuals in lower-quality romantic relationships tend to be more preoccupied with their secrets, exacerbating relationship issues. Keeping information hidden implies a lack of trust in a partner’s support, and often leads people to believe that their partner may be dishonest with them as well.
In a healthy relationship, open communication and self-disclosure are crucial. The burden of carrying a secret can strain your connection and intimacy. When deciding whether to reveal a secret, consider the following:
- How has this secret affected your relationship?
- How would it impact the other person to learn about it, and is it important for the health of your relationship for them to know?
- Is it possible that they may handle your disclosure better than you anticipate?
3. You Feel Pressured To Reveal The Secret
External pressures to disclose a secret can compound the burden of secrecy. You may feel obligated to reveal secrets due to guilt, societal expectations, or perceived social obligations.
For example, if you witness your best friend’s boyfriend spending time with their ex, you may feel compelled to tell your friend. This is not only because you don’t want them to be uninformed, but also because the three of you may spend a lot of time together socially.
This feeling that you must reveal the secret, even against your own desires, can threaten your autonomy. Personal autonomy involves having control over your personal information and choosing who to share it with. The imposition of external pressures to disclose a secret can infringe upon this autonomy, leading to discomfort and psychological distress. When grappling with these feelings, reflect on the following:
- Why has it been important for you to keep this secret so far?
- Would revealing it benefit you personally, or would you be doing it solely for the sake of others?
- How would you feel if you were to disclose something you are not ready to share?
4. You Fear The Consequences Of Honesty
Anticipating the consequences of revealing a secret can also contribute to the burden of secrecy. You may worry about potential fallout, such as uncomfortable conversations, rejection, or damage to your reputation.
This constant worrying about the future takes away from living in the present and becomes mentally and emotionally draining. During such moments, consider the following reflections:
- What would make you feel more secure in disclosing this secret?
- When and where might be an appropriate time and place to discuss it?
- How much is this secret currently affecting your life?
- What if you were able to handle whatever consequences arise from disclosing the secret?
Conclusion
It is important to note that not all secrets are harmful, and some may be kept undisclosed out of a desire to protect others or maintain privacy. However, as much as possible, open and honest communication fosters trust and understanding in healthy relationships. We are better able to connect with others when we can be our authentic selves, without the weight of a dark secret hanging over us.
