Chithunzi-Chithunzi: TheCut; Zithunzi za Getty Zithunzi. Abambo akale omwe ndi abambo atsopano – ali mumlengalenga. Chaka chino chokha, Robert De Niro, 79, anakhala Bambo kwa mwana wachisanu ndi chiwiri; Al Pacino, 82, anali ndi mwana wake wachinayi; ndi mu Wall Boulevard Magazine, Mick Jagger, wazaka 80, ananena kuti kukhala ndi ana aang’ono (wamng’ono wake wazaka zisanu ndi chimodzi) “kumakupangitsani kudzimva kukhala wofunikira.” Pali ngakhale sewero lanthabwala, lotchedwa kwenikweni Abambo Akale, akubwera ku Netflix pa Okutobala 20. (Kalavaniyo imatanthauzira “bambo wakale” ngati 46, ngati mukudabwa kuti ndani akuyenerera.) Koma bwanji za abambo akale omwe akuyenda pakati ife, zikuwoneka kuti sitikudziwa kuti akuyenda? Ndinali ndi malingaliro ena okhudza amuna amenewo. Ndinaganiza kuti adzakhala muukwati wachiwiri kapena wachitatu ndi mdzukulu wa msinkhu wofanana ndi kuwonjezera kwake kwatsopano – zochitika za Would possibly-December ndipo mwinamwake njira yachidule ya utate. (Monga momwe De Niro ananenera mu The Father or mother sabata yatha: “Sindinyamula katundu wolemera.”) Koma kenako ndinakumana ndi Brooklynite Ezra, wazaka 72, yemwe analandira mwana wake woyamba, Joanna, mu April 2020, ali ndi zaka 69. Umu ndi momwe amafotokozera zaka zake zitatu zoyambirira za utate – malo osewerera masewera ang’onoang’ono okhudza Woodstock akuphatikizidwa. Ndinakulira mumzinda wa New York m’zaka za m’ma 50 ndi m’ma 60: ndinali ndi zaka 18 m’chilimwe cha ’69. Ndinathera zaka zanga za m’ma 20 ndikugwira ntchito m’boma laboma ndipo ndinaganiza zopita kusukulu ya zamalamulo usiku m’zaka za m’ma 30. Zinali pafupifupi kupatsidwa kwa ine kuti ndikakumane ndi munthu ndi kukhala ndi banja, koma izo sizinachitike mpaka ine ndinali 43 ndipo pafupifupi khumi ntchito zanga zamalamulo. Apa ndipamene ndinakumana ndi Maria. Anali ndi zaka 25 ndipo ankagwira ntchito muofesi yanga pamene ankafunafuna ntchito yosindikiza. Sindikuganiza kuti aliyense wa ife anazindikira msinkhu wa wina pamene tinayamba kuonana. Zikanandichititsa mantha ndikanadziwa kuti anali wamng’ono. Pofika nthawi yomwe ndimadziwa, zinthu zinali kuyenda mwachangu. Tinakwatirana mu 1999 ndili ndi zaka 48 ndipo iye anali ndi zaka pafupifupi 31. Sitinakambirane kwenikweni za kukhala ndi ana tisanakwatirane, ngakhalenso zaka zingapo zoyambirira pambuyo pake. Tonse tinali otanganidwa kwambiri ndi ntchito zathu. Ndinali kusintha kukhala malamulo a banja, ndipo Maria pomalizira pake anali kugwira ntchito panyumba yaikulu yosindikizira mabuku. Mlongo wanga ankauza Maria nthaŵi zonse kuti, “Ndipange ine azakhali, ndipange ine azakhali.” Panthawi ina, Maria anachotsedwa ntchito yake yosindikiza mabuku ndikuyamba kugwira ntchito pawekha, ndipo ndinaganiza zosiya ntchito yanga yamilandu ndi kuyamba ndekha. Nthawi zambiri ndimaikidwa kukhothi ndipo ndimagwira ntchito yosamalira ana ndi kusamalira ana. Kenako mlongo wanga anadwala ndipo anamwalira atadwala kwa chaka chimodzi. Moyo wathu unagwedezeka kwambiri. Maria ndi ine tinali kumulira mchemwali wanga ndi kuganizira zimene akanatifunira. Tinayamba kukambirana za kuyesa kukhala ndi mwana. Tinayesa ndikuyesa. Palibe amene akanatiuza chimene chinalakwika. Tonse tinali ndi pakati tisanakumane ndipo tinali ndi mimbazo. Ngakhale sindimakhulupirira zinthu izi, ndimaganiza kuti zitha kukhala zobweza za karmic. Koma Maria ndi munthu wotsimikiza mtima – ali ndi dongosolo, amakwaniritsa dongosolo, ndipo amakwaniritsa. Adapeza dotolo yemwe amagwira ntchito yoletsa kubereka kwa amuna. Ndinachitidwa opaleshoni, ndipo tinagwiritsira ntchito egg donor, kenaka tinatenga mimba. Atandiuza ndinadabwa kwambiri. Tinali tikuyesetsa kwa zaka 15. Ndinali ndi zaka 68 ndipo iye anali ndi zaka 50. Ngakhale kuti tinali osangalala, sitinauze anzathu kapena achibale athu. Maria anali ndi ubale wovuta kwambiri ndi banja lake, ndipo makolo anga anali atamwalira panthawiyo. Komanso, takhala tikuyesera kwa nthawi yayitali kwambiri kotero kuti panali zikhulupiriro zina zomwe zidatipangitsa kuti tisamamve nkhani. Ndipotu, sindinauze anzanga akuntchito. Ndidadziwa kuti khandalo likubwera mu Epulo 2020, motero ndidatsimikiza kuti ndisakonzekera kupita kukhothi mwezi umenewo. Sindinafotokozere aliyense. Chifukwa sitinauze aliyense, sitinakumanepo ndi mafunso kapena chiweruzo chokhudza zaka zathu. Koma panthawi ina mu mimba, tinapita ku kalasi yobereka, ndipo ndikukumbukira ndikuyang’ana m’chipindamo kwa maanja onse aang’ono ndikuganiza, ndikumva wokalamba. Ndinadzimva wokalamba usiku wonse. Ndinkatha kumva zowawa zonse zomwe ndakhala ndikuzisiya kwa zaka zambiri. Zinali ngati, O Mulungu wanga, nditsika bwanji pansi ndi mwana wanga? O Mulungu wanga ndidzamunyamula bwanji akabadwa? Ndinayamba kudandaula kwambiri kuti ndine bambo. Ndiyang’ana pa Joanna ndikuganiza, Mulungu wanga, ndikufuna zaka zina 25 ndi iye. Mkazi wanga anali ndi zomwe zimatchedwa kubereka mwachangu – mwachangu kwambiri. Madzi a Maria anasweka m’nyumba mwathu, ndipo tinaitana mnansi wathu kuti atiperekeze ku chipatala. Titangofika, ogwira ntchito pachipatalapo anamukokera pa gurney n’kumuyendetsa kuti abereke, ndipo pamene ndinatulutsa zonse m’galimotomo n’kufika pamene anali, anali atabereka. Nditaona Joanna ali m’bwalo lake, ndinayamba kulira. Sindikudziwa ngati mkazi wanga amadziwanso zimenezo. Munali Epulo 2020, patatsala milungu ingapo kuti COVID-19 itatsekeka, ndipo m’chipatala munali anthu ambiri odwala. Zinali zowopsa komanso zowopsa. Koma apo iye anali, ndipo apo ine ndinali, potsiriza bambo. Tinabwera ndi Joanna kunyumba, ndipo ndinazindikira kuti nkhaŵa yanga sinali yolakwika. Zinali zovuta kwambiri pachiyambi. Kusowa tulo, thupi lake. Koma m’kupita kwa nthaŵi, pokhala pansi ndi kumunyamula ndi kumugoneka, ndinayamba kudzimva kukhala wofooka kuposa mmene ndinachitira tsiku lija m’kalasi yobereka. Mwina ndi maganizo pa nkhani. Maria ndiye wosamalira wamkulu. Amagwirabe ntchito ngati mkonzi koma amagwira ntchito zambiri usiku. Ndakali kubelekela antoomwe amulawo. Nthawi zambiri ndimagwira ntchito kunyumba ndipo ndimatha kukaonekeranso kukhoti, choncho ngati Maria ali ndi msonkhano kapena nthawi yoti akambirane ndikhoza kusamalira Joanna kwakanthawi. Ndithudi pamene Joanna anali wakhanda, sindinali wotsimikiza kuti ndimugwire bwanji, chinthu choterocho. Nthawi yomweyo sindinkamasuka kusamalira mwana. Koma tsopano ndikuona kuti ndine wokhoza. Ndili bwino pazinthu izi. Zaka zambiri zanga m’khoti los angeles makolo zandikhudza kwambiri mmene ndimakhalira kholo. Makasitomala anga onse ali ndi chikhalidwe chofanana: Ndizovuta kwambiri kwa iwo kuti aziyika zosowa za ana awo patsogolo pazawo, ndipo ndi momwe amathera kukhoti, kaya ndi mkangano wosunga mwana kapena wosamalira mwana, kapena china. Choncho ndikudziwa kuti zosowa za mwana wanga zimadza patsogolo pa zanga. Ndikuganiza kuti nthawi zonse ndinkadziwa zimenezo, koma tsopano ndikudziwa kuti ndi likulu los angeles Ok. Nthawi ina Joanna atangobadwa, Maria anati, “Wasanduka makasitomala ako. Zosowa za mwana wanu wamkazi ziyenera kubwera patsogolo pazanu.” Sindikukumbukira n’komwe kuti zinali zotani—mwinamwake ndinali kuyang’ana pa chinthu china pamene ndinayenera kusamalira Joanna. Ine ndinaganiza, Inu mukudziwa chiyani? Iye akulondola. Ndinatsimikiza mtima kuti sindidzamuuzanso choncho, ndipo mpaka pano ndakwanitsa. Maria ndi wabwino kwambiri pakukhala wolanga. Ndine wodzuka msanga, ndipo ngati Joanna atadzuka pamaso pa Maria ndimalowa ndikulankhula naye kuti Maria agone. Ndiyenera kumamupangitsa kukodza, koma sindikukakamiza. Joanna akhoza kukhala wotsutsana nafe pang’ono. Ndimayesetsa kuti ndilankhule naye m’njira yoti amvetse bwino komanso kuti ndizikhala ndi nthawi yambiri yocheza naye. Dzulo, ndinali pa foni pamene Maria ndi Joanna ankapita ku bwalo los angeles masewera, ndipo nditangotuluka pa foni, ndinawapeza. Ndili ndi ntchito yochuluka yoti ndichite, koma sindipeza nthawi imeneyo pabwalo lamasewera ngati sindipita. Ndimagoneka Joanna usiku uliwonse. Ine ndimamuthandiza iye kuvala zovala zake zogonera, kumupezera iye kapu yamadzi, ndi kumulola iye kuti awonere miniti imodzi kapena ziwiri za TV. Nthawi zambiri amakhala masewera kapena Megastar Trek. Kenako timakhala ndi mwambo wausiku wabwino: Ndidzati “Usiku wabwino, Joanna. Abambo amakukondani kwambiri nthawi zonse. ” Ndiyeno ine ndiyenera kunena, “Usiku wabwino, Shaun Nkhosa, ndi usiku wabwino, Abby Cadabby,” chifukwa iye amazikonda izo. Ndiyeno nthawi zina amati, “Nanga bwanji Chet ndi David?” Pamene ndinali kamwana m’zaka za m’ma 50 ndi m’ma 60, Chet Huntley ndi David Brinkley anali anangula a nkhani zamadzulo a NBC, ndipo pamapeto pawonetsero wawo ankati, “Goodnight, Chet,” ndi, “Goodnight, Davide.” Kotero nthawi zina ndimati, “Usiku wabwino, Chet. Usiku wabwino, David.” Ndipo Joanna adzati, “Kodi Adadi amawakondanso kwambiri?” Ine ndimati, “Abambo amakonda kwambiri aliyense.” Ndikufuna kuganiza kuti zambiri zomwe zandichitikira pamoyo zandipangitsa kukhala kholo labwino. Makolo anga analeredwa movutitsa kwambiri—bambo anga anachitiridwa nkhanza kwambiri ndi abambo awo, ndipo amayi anga anali amasiye panthaŵi ya Kuvutika maganizo. Pamene ndinali kukula, iwo sankadziwa choti achite ngati zinthu zinandiyendera bwino. Ndipo mayi anga anali ndi nthawi yovuta kwambiri yowononga ndalama, ndipo ndiyenera kulimbana ndi ine ndekha. Mayi anga anandiuza nthawi ina kuti: “Kodi ukuganiza kuti tinkakhala pafupi pamene unali mwana n’kunena kuti, izi ndi mmene tingawonongere ana athu? Izo sizinachitike. Koma ukudziwa momwe ungachitire mwanjira yako. ” Kotero, ndithudi, ndikufuna kuganiza kuti Maria ndi ine tiri angwiro pakulera Joanna. Koma ndikutsimikiza kuti sitiri, ndipo tidzangogonana mwanjira yathu. Komabe, ndikudziwa kuti zoopsa zimangochitika zokha. Chithandizo chandithandiza kuzindikira zoopsa zomwe zidachitika ndili mwana, osati anga. Pali zinthu kuyambira ndili mwana zomwe sindimafuna kuti Joanna akumane nazo, ndipo ndikukhulupirira kuti ndingazipewe poonetsetsa kuti akudziwa kuti angandidalire. Ndikufuna kukhalapo m’moyo wake – kumupatsa mpata woyesera ndikulephera ndikupereka chithandizo chochuluka komanso mwayi wochuluka kwa iye momwe ndingathere. Ndikufuna kuti adziwe kuti ali ndi zosankha. Ndipo ngati ali wanzeru mokwanira ndipo akufuna kupita, tiwona momwe tingamuthandizire kupita kusukulu ya Ivy League. Sindinakhalepo ndi zosankha ngati zimenezo. Ndimaganizira kwambiri za imfa yanga kuposa mmene ndinkaganizira Joanna asanabadwe. Tsopano, ngati wothamanga kapena woimba yemwe ndinakulira ndikutsatira amwalira, zimandikhudza kwambiri. David Crosby anamwalira kumayambiriro kwa chaka chino. Anali wamkulu kwa ine ndi zaka zosakwana khumi, ndipo atachoka, ndinazindikira kuti mwina sindingakhale ndi nthawi yochuluka ndi Joanna monga momwe ndinkafunira. Ndikudziwa kuti Maria ndi Joanna adzakhala bwino pazachuma, ngakhale ndimagwirabe ntchito kuti ndisunge ndalama zambiri zamaphunziro ake. Koma ndiyang’ana pa Joanna ndikuganiza, Mulungu wanga, ndikufuna zaka 25 ndi iye. Bambo anga anakhalabe ndi moyo mpaka pamene anakwanitsa zaka 99, choncho ndikukhulupirira kuti zinthu ziyenda bwino. Ndikuyesetsa kuti ndikhale naye paubwenzi wabwino koposa, ndipo ndikukhulupirira kuti malingaliro anga onena za imfa sadzandilepheretsa kukhala bambo. Ndizolimbikitsa kudziwa kuti ndili ndi thanzi labwino. Timadya natural, tirigu wambiri ndi nsomba. Ndinathamangira kupaki kwa zaka zambiri ndipo ndinasintha kuyenda pamene ndikufunika kutero. Ndinachitidwapo opareshoni ya mawondo, ndipo ndili ndi plantar fasciitis, koma nthawi zambiri sindimva msinkhu wanga. Anzanga ambiri ndi amsinkhu wanga, ndipo ngakhale kuti anzanga ambiri ndi aang’ono kwa ine, sindimadziona kuti ndine wamkulu kuposa iwo. Inenso sindikuganiza kuti inenso ndimaoneka wa msinkhu wanga. Sindikudziwa ngati makolo ena pabwalo lamasewera amadziwa kuti ndili ndi zaka zingati. Ndinazembera ndikunena ngati, “Eya, sindinapite ku Woodstock chifukwa agogo aakazi omwe adakwera adamwalira usiku womwe tidayenera kuchoka.” Amandiyang’ana ndikunena kuti, “Pepani?!” Ndipo ndikukumbukira nthawi ina tikudya chakudya chamadzulo ndi anzanga ena a m’dera lathu, anthu anali kukamba za nkhondo ya ku Vietnam. Ine ndinati, “Ayi, sinali nkhondo imeneyo; inali nkhondo imeneyo mu 1968.” Ndipo iwo anayang’ana pa ine, ndipo ine ndinati, “Chabwino, eya, kwa inu, ndi mbiriyakale. Kwa ine, ndi nostalgia. ” Sindinamvepo ndemanga zotsutsa, koma kunena zoona ngati anthu ena amaganiza kuti msinkhu wanga ndi wachilendo, zilibe kanthu kwa ine. Izi ndi zomwe zimabwera chifukwa chokhala wamkulu: Simusamala kwambiri za zomwe anthu ena amaganiza. Izi ndi zomwe ine ndiri. Kodi Joanna amadziŵa kuti ndine wamkulu kuposa makolo ambiri a ana a zaka zitatu? Osati kuti iye anayamba wandiuzapo ine. Bola ndimatha kusewera naye, samazindikira. Anathamangira pakhomo los angeles sitolo nthawi ina, ndipo ndinamuthamangira mofulumira kuposa momwe ndikanakhalira zaka 50 zapitazo. Zoonadi mbali ina ya ine ndikukhumba kuti zikadangotengera mkombero umodzi kapena ziwiri kuti titenge mimba, ndipo tikadakhala ndi mwana wazaka 15 pofika pano, koma si momwe zinthu zimayendera. Ndipo ngati ndizo zomwe zidatengera Joanna, ndi zomwe zidatengera.
