If you were to check out Megan Montgomery’s Instagram account, you’d see a stunning, happy woman in the best years of her life, her youth and fitness admired by women all over the world. You’d also find some pictures of her with her husband (#datenight), with comments like “Aww, gorgeous couple!”
But behind her seemingly perfect posts was the story of a woman in an abusive relationship with her husband—one that began with his arrest shortly after they got married and ended 10 months later with him shooting her to death in a parking lot. In a Facebook post, one of the people who was out with Megan the night of her murder detailed how her estranged husband had come to their table, put his hand on her neck and shoulder, and escorted her out of the building.www.facebook.comLog into FacebookShe went with him willingly, but anyone familiar with abusive relationships knows that “willingly” is a subjective term. He had reportedly threatened mass violence before. Perhaps she was trying to protect the people she was with. Perhaps staying felt more dangerous to her than going with him.
The couple reportedly had a tumultuous relationship from the start, and at one point both had restraining orders against the other. Nonetheless, she was killed by the man who had professed to love her, an ex-cop who had been arrested for domestic violence and bailed out multiple times prior to that evening.Feminist News shared the essence of Megan’s story on Facebook, posting photos from the couple’s wedding to demonstrate how hidden domestic violence can be to those outside of it. “THIS is the face of domestic violence,” they wrote.www.facebook.comLog into FacebookBut what stood out most about the post were the numerous comments from women sharing their own experiences with domestic violence. Comment after comment recounted how a partner always made them feel that the abuse was their fault, how restraining orders were constantly violated, how they were charmed and loved into questioning whether the verbal abuse or physical violence was really that bad. Story after story revealed how they didn’t see it coming, how it escalated slowly and insidiously, and how terrifying it was to try to leave.Those of us who have not been in abusive relationships don’t always understand why people don’t leave them. But the dynamics of abuse—the emotional manipulation, the gaslighting, the destruction of self-esteem, the fear, and shame—are well documented.Regrettably, those dynamics can prove fatal. Domestic violence murders have been increasing in recent years, rising by 19% between 2014 and 2017. And unfortunately, our justice system does not protect domestic violence survivors as well as it should.Part of the difficulty in prosecuting domestic violence cases is that victims are not always willing to cooperate, either out of fear, shame, embarrassment, or unhealthy loyalty. According to some estimates, domestic violence victims recant their testimony up to 70% of the time. That’s why some are advocating for evidence-based prosecution without requiring victim testimony, similar to how we handle murder cases.But some, like University of Maryland law professor Leah Goodmark, argue that pushing for more law enforcement hasn’t proven to reduce domestic violence rates. Addressing issues of poverty, childhood trauma, attitudes toward gender equality, and other risk factors for domestic violence may be more effective in preventing violence before it starts.While abuse happens to both men and women, women are more likely to be victims and much more likely to be murdered by a partner. Fortunately, there are numerous resources available for domestic violence survivors seeking help, whether you’re trying to determine if your relationship is abusive or trying to figure out if, when, and how to leave. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org or call 1−800−799−7233) provides a wealth of information on domestic violence and what to do about it. The website even has a live chat where you can get your questions answered and receive assistance in making a safety plan for you and your family.If you are afraid of your partner or other loved one, there’s something wrong. No one should live in fear of the people who are supposed to love them the most.This article originally appeared on 12.16.19
