“Transformers” is a franchise that is known for placing a heavy emphasis on spectacle over logic. Even though its sixth film gave audiences enough time to get used to Optimus Prime, the semi-truck that magically transforms into a humanoid, the seventh installment called “Transformers: Rise of the Beasts” takes it to a whole new level by introducing an evolution: a biomechanical gorilla named Optimus Primal. The movie is silly and entertaining, both traits that keep it from taking itself too seriously until the wheels fall off. However, the film offers no explanation why a bionic biped would choose to shape-shift into another bionic biped.
The film does not answer the metaphysical questions raised in the futuristic and surreal 90s cartoon “Beast Wars: Transformers” and its spinoff “Beast Machines: Transformers” that explored this topic in great detail. However, the movie’s different from these shows. “I don’t get ‘Beast Wars’, Lorenzo di Bonaventura, one of the film’s producers, once said. Instead, di Bonaventura and the director Steven Caple Jr. have transported the audience back to 1994 for yet another demolition derby.
After setting up the nostalgic touchstones – which include one-strap overalls, O.J. Simpson, and a killer classic hip-hop soundtrack – Optimus Prime and Primal (voiced by Peter Cullen and Ron Perlman) team up to fight against a planet-gobbling villain (Colman Domingo) and his loyal minion, Scourge (Peter Dinklage), who has a noticeably throbbing thorax.
Two Homo sapiens from Brooklyn – Dominique Fishback as Elena, a museum intern, and Anthony Ramos as Noah, an electronics expert – tag along for the ride. Unfortunately for them, they struggle to share scenes alongside the sentient vehicles. It doesn’t help that neither character’s behavior is at all believable according to the Turing test. Elena’s job ranges from authenticating rare da Vincis to ironing her boss’s clothes, whereas Noah’s includes both burning scrambled eggs and soldering cable boxes. The only other creatures visible on screen that register are a Porsche named Mirage (Pete Davidson) who talks a lot, an armored falcon (Michelle Yeoh), and an erotic motorcycle (Liza Koshy) that is introduced rump-first in a nod to Michael Bay, the director of the first five films, who was known for his tendency to linger on the cars’ lady parts.
The movie starts off fun with clever inversion techniques that include Noah stealing Mirage only to discover that the car has stolen him. As well as humans doing a bit of shape-shifting themselves by using costumes and stolen IDs. Noah’s pained expressions every time he has to explain his work with alien cars to prevent Armageddon is comical. However, the ever-frantic go-here, get-the-gizmo story quickly loses interest.
The plot is a disaster, with there being absolutely no stakes. It is pointless to threaten the main characters or even Earth in a prequel. The climax is even more disastrous. Dull gray machines engage in battle on a gray terrain under a gray sky. It’s as electrifying as thumbtacks on a driveway, so the invitation is to close one’s eyes and concentrate on the soothing sound of shuddering steel. All that remains is to find solace in the premise, no matter how slapdash it might be. The mere existence of a technorganic ape is proof that computer-generated blockbusters need a beating heart.
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts
Rated PG-13 for language and the sci-fi violence of robots ripping out each other’s spines. Running time: 2 hours 7 minutes. In theaters.